This journey of grief is one difficult road that causes so many emotions and changes. I've been struggling with some deep sadness the past few weeks and have avoided a lot of activities because of it. When I leave my house I mentally prepare myself to go wherever I'm heading and prepare to speak to whoever may be there. It's a constant inner struggle between my mind and my emotions. Some days I can walk out of the house with only a slight nagging voice telling me to 'keep it together', yet other days I feel like my body is pulling a freight train to the car. Every step makes me feel weak and overwhelmed. When I see people out at the store or around town it's rarely ever a typical exchange. Many have been very kind and ask how I am doing, offering their condolences and prayers. Others just give me a pain-staking look not knowing what to say. Quit honestly, it's as uncomfortable for me as it is for them because I don't even know what I want people to say to me. I start crying when others ask about Daniel and as they apologize I tell them I'm not crying out of sadness, I'm crying out of joy for them acknowledging his life. Even though I cry when I talk about Daniel, it makes my soul happy to share my son with others. I want to talk about his life and presence because he was here, he existed. Nothing can change his passing and moment to moment I don't even know how I will feel. But, no matter what feelings I am struggling through, I always feel joy for being Daniel's mommy. The joy and pride of being his mommy never falters or fades, regardless of all my other emotions. I go through moments of despair that my baby is gone, moments of happiness and gratitude for his life, moments of longing to hold him, and moments of reflecting on his birth (which is the most beautiful memory of my existence). I go through so many different feelings from one minute to the next each day and never know what small instance will change my current emotional state. I walk into the grocery store feeling positive and begin sobbing at the sight of hot fudge because I ate hot fudge sundaes during my pregnancy. I go to the gym and feel complete depression at the sight of a person's light blue shirt because I lost my baby boy. I avoid so many people and situations while I still work to figure out my new path. I know that I will never return to who I was before Daniel, nor would I want that to happen. Daniel has changed me so much for the better and even if it takes all I can do to take one step each day, then that's what I will do. I'll get through this journey one step at a time and ensure that I positively touch many lives along the way. It's so difficult to explain the ups and downs of these last few months. I often have to remind myself that it's only been a short while, so my crazy emotions are okay. So when I have bad weeks, I need to reflect on the fact that I can't expect unreasonable progress from myself. I need to take one step at a time, one day at a time.
I became a mommy in 2015 to a beautiful baby boy, Daniel John, who taught me the depth of a mother's love and the sorrow of neonatal infant loss.