Our Pregnancy

         In March 2015, we found out we were pregnant with our first child after almost three years of trying to have a baby.  The first 19 weeks consisted of excitement and wonderful doctor's visits.  We began working on the nursery which we kept gender neutral because we were not planning to find out what we were having prior to delivery.  At our 20 week ultrasound, our physician noticed a problem with the size of our baby's limbs and some fluid on the brain, so he referred us to a neonatal specialist.  The specialist informed us that our baby had a fatal form of dwarfism, thanatophoric dysplasia.  They said our baby would likely not make it to birth, but we chose to leave our baby's life in God's hands and prayed each day for a miracle. We cried the entire hour and a half drive home from the appointment and most of that night.  How could death be the only fate for our sweet little baby?  It felt like a bad dream that we should wake up from any day but it was reality.  
​         We requested weekly doctor visits to hear our baby's heartbeat and went for more frequent sonograms to measure growth.  At about 24 weeks, we decided to find out that we were having a boy and named him Daniel John.  We wanted to build a closer relationship with our son since his length of life was so unsure.  We began slowly sharing our son's prognosis with family and friends asking for prayers of health for Daniel.  It turned into large prayer groups of people praying for us and our baby.  We took time each day to notice and feel his movements, talk to him, sing to him, and pray as a family.  Daniel moved a lot so we got to feel many movements from him and his heartbeat was strong each week.  His limbs continued to be behind in growth at all the sonograms, and his head continued to enlarge with the fluid level growing. We could see the clover leaf head becoming more profound in the sonograms and at our last specialist visit in October 2015, our hopes of a healthy baby were shattered.  It was confirmed that Daniel was continuing to show all the signs of thanatophoric dysplasia so we needed to prepare for a stillbirth or short life.  At about 32 weeks, my amniotic fluid level began increasing so our doctor and us agreed to deliver at 36 weeks by c-section.  We continued each day loving Daniel and sharing our love for him with everyone who would listen.  Daniel remained active and had a strong heartbeat all the way up until his delivery.  We were so blessed to carry Daniel through our pregnancy with love and grace every day.

Our Delivery

          We scheduled to deliver Daniel for Friday, November 6, 2015 at 7:00am.  It was exciting to know we would meet our son but terrifying to have such an unpredictable outcome.  The day prior to our delivery we met with one of the delivery nurses and our nurse anesthetist to review our birthing plan.  We did not want any intrusive procedures for our son because we wanted to enjoy the time we had with him in our arms.  The plan was for him to be handed to us upon birth and stay with us for the length of life he was given by God.
           At 5:00 on the morning of our delivery date, we arrived at the hospital to prepare to meet Daniel.  We listened to his heartbeat, which was about 150 beats per minute, for the hours leading up to our scheduled c-section.  Finally it was time and the nurses wheeled me back to the delivery room with my husband by my side.  As the doctor began the surgery, I began praying to God and Mary to give my son life and protect him during birth.  One of the nurses leaned down to ask if I needed something and I told her I was praying, she responded, "me too".  My husband held my hand as the nurse explained what was going on behind the sheet.  She said, "I can see his tiny feet...  His little butt is out now...  His little hands are out."  I loved that she told me what was going on.  Then, just before they pulled his head out we heard a beautiful little cry.  I verified with the nurse that it was him that cried because I couldn't believe we got to hear him cry.  I began crying thanking God for such a blessing to hear our son cry.  As soon as Daniel made his entrance, at 8:38am,my husband cut the umbilical cord and the doctor laid him on my chest.  As soon as I laid my eyes on his precious face I fell in love with my son who I had carried for the last 36 weeks.  He was alive.  They checked his heartrate which was already down to 61 beats per minute so we knew our time was limited.  I wished him happy birthday and I baptized him with the holy water and oil my husband had brought with him.  We prayed with Daniel as we held him, kissed his cheeks and wept. When we got back to our hospital room Daniel was still alive but his heartrate was lowering.  We read two books to him, sang Happy Birthday and said some more prayers with him.  Then at 10:07am, 89 minutes after he entered the world, his soul left us.  The doctor shook his head and I knew Daniel was gone before he said anything.

Our Grief

          Nothing could have prepared us for the amount of grief we would experience hearing the doctor say, "There is no heartbeat".  The grief of reality hits you so drastically.  After our son left this earthly world we took some time alone with him.  We read to him some of the baby books I had been reading to him during my pregnancy, talked to him, and prayed several of our daily prayers with him.  We were able to spend the next few days, after delivery, with Daniel in our room.  Even though we knew his soul was gone, it was important to have time with him while we could.  The time we spent with Daniel after he passed, holding him, kissing him, and making mental notes of all of his features was a necessary part of our grief process. I look back on those three days and it gives me memories with him we would not have had if we had chosen to send him directly away.  We also spent part of our time with Daniel allowing him to meet some of our immediate family members and close friends.  They got to hold him and talk to him, which has helped them cope with losing him.
          Bill and I made sure to do family activities that were important to us with Daniel while we were in the hospital.  We made dozens of hand and foot prints to keep, Bill held him to watch college football on Saturday (apologizing that they had to watch ACC teams), we celebrated mass on Sunday with him while watching it on the television, and every day we prayed with him just like we did throughout our pregnancy. Leaving the hospital was the most difficult day during our time with Daniel.  How do you leave your baby knowing that you will never see his face again in your lifetime?  How do you hand him over to a nurse and walk out?  My mind reeled on this reality as the nurse was giving me my discharge instructions.  After she left my husband turned to me and said "we are never going to leave".  We both cried looking at our son that we soon had to leave and agreed that we would sing our two favorite hymns then pray with him until the nurse came to escort us out.  I handed Daniel to one of the nurses who we developed a bond with and we left in tears knowing that we now had to bury our son.  
           I had already picked out a place at the cemetery where Daniel would be laid to rest.  Back in August, I walked the cemetery looking for a beautiful spot for the three plots I was purchasing.  I found a place beside a tree on the end of a row where we would bury Daniel in the middle of our two plots.  It reduced my anxiety to know that I had a place to bury him as I left the hospital after his birth.  We planned his funeral when we got home from the hospital and I wrote his obituary.  It was an important part of my grief to write Daniel's obituary myself because there were so many things I wanted to write about my son.  It helped me work through the grief to write about him and let others know how special he was to us.  The day of the viewing we went early to have some time alone with him. Nothing could have prepared us for the little white casket sitting there with our son inside.  Bill and I wept as soon as we saw the casket surrounded by his photos.  How were we here at our son's funeral? The funeral gave us some closure and we sang those two same final hymns from the hospital to Daniel before his burial.  I talk to Daniel throughout each day and visit his grave almost daily.  I was blessed with a husband who comforts me every day as I cry and understands that I need his comfort more than anything else right now.  The only way I make it through each day is through prayer and helping Daniel live on through sharing his story.

Learn more about how our faith helped us through by reading about our spiritual journey in the link below.