To our son on your first Christmas,
we wish you were on earth.
But you are in heaven with Jesus,
to celebrate his birth.
We hung up your stocking,
and have pictures of you all around.
We know you are in heaven,
with God and the angels smiling down.
I wrote this poem for Daniel as we celebrated his first Christmas this year. The Christmas we envisioned back in March was very different from our celebration this December. Instead of holding my baby in church singing Silent Night by candle light, I was crying from the grief of losing him this Christmas. Daniel wasn't here in my arms and I will never get to spend a Christmas with my son here on earth. I look forward to the time when I will celebrate with him in heaven since I never got to share the joy with him here. It was a difficult year for me because all my soul could do was cry for my baby. I missed him so much that I left our family celebration on Christmas Eve to visit his gravesite. My heart was broken because he wasn't there with the rest of our family. So I went to him, to spend time where his body is resting. It was healing for me to spend some of the time that night with him.
As soon as we woke on Christmas morning, we went out to Daniel's grave. We cried and held each other wishing him a Merry Christmas and telling him about his gifts. For Christmas, Bill and I gave each other gifts from Daniel and bought him a gift from each of us. I gave Bill a "daddy" ornament from his son and he gave me a spa retreat. In Daniel's stocking we placed his gifts, a mini plush football from his daddy, and a "First Christmas" baby giraffe ornament from his mommy. We cried for a long amount of time thinking of our baby who is not here with us. I prayed, asking God to give Daniel a hug and some kisses from us for Christmas. The only way I coped with not having him here was by crying for him and imagining him up in heaven celebrating Jesus' birthday in the arms of our Lord. One comfort I had was knowing that Daniel's spirit was with us during Christmas. At Christmas Eve mass Bill felt someone brush against his shoulder, yet no one was there. We believe it was Daniel's spirit letting us know he was there celebrating his first Christmas with us. The signs of his presence help give us some comfort by knowing he is surrounding us each day. And having him give us a sign at mass was very special to us. Merry Christmas Daniel John!
I became a mommy in 2015 to a beautiful baby boy, Daniel John, who taught me the depth of a mother's love and the sorrow of neonatal infant loss.