Today is the first day of February and I've had some anxiety lately about Feb 6th coming so soon. It will mark 3 months since we said hello and goodbye to Daniel. The 3 month mark has been on my mind often because it feels like time should have stopped for him. Each day that passes I feel like he was just born, yet it feels like such a long time since he was here. I sit in Daniel's nursery daily reading cards we received, reading the words I wrote for his obituary, looking at his photos, and reading his books. I look through all of his clothes, gifts we were given, and hold his stuffed animals. Holding his outfits from the hospital is the only way I can touch something that he touched. The smell of him on his clothes is gone, but to feel the fabric that clothed his body is a treasure I hold dear. I've been praying and talking to Daniel about my sadness of another month coming to pass. I always feel that he hears me and watch for signs of him. Yesterday, he gave us the most beautiful signs that he's around us and it's okay. At church, the first reading was Jeremiah 1: 4-5, 17-19 which was one of the readings read at Daniel's services. It states how God knows us even before forming us in the womb. Then the second reading was the story of faith, hope, and love from 1 Corinthians 12:31 - 13:13. It speaks about the greatest spiritual gifts of faith, hope, and love, yet the greatest gift is love. It made me reflect on how we devoutly carried Daniel with faith and hope, and how the love for him outweighed everything. Bill and I were discussing these readings on the way home from church when a little cardinal flew in front of our windshield from the left to the right side of the road. The bird seemed to move so peacefully across our path and looked no more than a tiny baby bird that's only purpose as to show itself to us. We both felt such a sense of peace from the readings and the cardinal that Daniel knows the pain we are in and wants us to know he hears us. I felt that this was his way of saying, "The time is passing by so you can be closer to seeing me again mommy, not for you to be sad". It amazes me how deepening my faith and sharing Daniel has changed me. My sadness will never go away, yet I can find some peace in the signs that Daniel hears me and comforts me through signs of his presence. I wish no one would ever have to go through this pain, but I hope those who do can find hope in the Lord. My faith has often been the only arms carrying me through this grief. May God bring all of you the comfort for which you seek, and may you find peace in knowing that my sweet baby boy will intercede for you from heaven. When I was pregnant, I prayed daily for Daniel, but now I pray daily to Daniel. How blessed am I to know that my Savior is holding my precious baby in heaven waiting for me to take him in my arms when I greet the gates. Yet the pain in my heart will forever be with me as I walk this earthly life.
I became a mommy in 2015 to a beautiful baby boy, Daniel John, who taught me the depth of a mother's love and the sorrow of neonatal infant loss.