In my grief, I have quickly learned that time will not heal all wounds. The wound and pain in losing my baby will never lessen. I can't imagine in the years from now feeling any less sad that Daniel is gone than I do today. In my pain, I have chosen to take a different path than most. I have remained very open about Daniel's pregnancy, birth, and passing as a way of helping others and myself heal. I may not know all of God's plan with my son, but I do know that He wants me to show others love through this pain and plant seeds for Him.
In the past several months so many people have commented on the strength Bill and I have shown. During my pregnancy I thought "of course I have strength, I have to be strong for our baby". But as Daniel's birth approached my view of how I was carrying out his life changed. I had been praying daily for Daniel, and for us, to continue to have the strength to deliver him. I prayed for strength everyday because I felt so weak. My mind was overwhelmed going through all the outcomes and my heart was so fragile. My ability to put one foot in front of the other and face each day was solely from my faith. It wasn't until after I held Daniel in my arms and praised God for his life that I realized how weak I truly am. As the doctor was completing the C-section, I continually prayed for God to give Daniel life, I begged Him for his life. In that moment, I felt so fragile and even though Daniel's life was out of my control I did not have doubt. I trusted that God would provide and my faith in God is what got me through that day and every single day of my pregnancy. I realized after his birth that what myself and everyone else was seeing as strength was not strength at all. My faith is what provided the ability to carry Daniel, not strength.
Today, I prayed with a group of women and during our prayers I kept asking God to continue opening my eyes to the path He's providing for me. I asked Jesus to continue walking with me to where I am supposed to be going. And during my prayers, I reflected on how much their love has sustained me through my grief. I know how weak and fragile I am each day. Some days it takes all my effort to get out of bed and accept that another day has passed since I last got to hold Daniel. Every day I cry longing to have my son here with me in flesh and missing him so dearly. But every day I see God's presence in my life and it makes me realize that my faith has saved me. Instead of being unable to get out of bed, I can get up and praise God for fearfully and wonderfully making my son in my womb. I can praise Him for letting me have the 36 weeks of my belly growing, feeling his kicks, having heartburn, and telling his story. Instead of beating myself down for Daniel's passing, I can praise Jesus for walking with me during my pregnancy and allowing my body to sustain Daniel's life. I can praise Jesus for teaching me to accept my path and carry my cross gracefully. On my difficult days, I remind myself that I must give it all to God and know that He will take my pain. You see, I'm not strong at all. But in my weakness I have faith that sustains me and gives me the grace to carry through. Faith is what I hope to give others who are facing grief and pain, which I will continue to do in memory of my sweet Daniel John.